Lessons learned from #queryfail day

In all the hilariousness that ensued during the recent #queryfail day on Twitter, there were some invaluable lessons that can be taken for new writers. As an editor, I go through the slush pile all the time. There are so many mistakes writers make that can be easily avoided with a little preparation and knowledge. Although it may seem mean, use the information agents offer to make sure your query is a win and not a fail.

1) Find out the agent's name and use it. If you found their email address, you probably have their name in your hands already. Agents don't like being addressed as Sir, especially when the agent is a she.

2) Research what type of books they represent. If they say "no fantasy," don't beg them to look at yours. It will only anger them, and you don't want to see an agent angry. It's not pretty. And no attachments means no attachments.

3) Know the basics of grammar/punctuation/writing. Don't just shoot off a query filled with typos. Even if your manuscript is spotless, your ability to write will come into question if you don't present yourself well in a query letter. Also, standard English grammar is the rule. Don't try to break it, either.

4) Send your best work, and only when it is ready. If the opening chapters aren't as interesting as the end, there's a problem that needs to be addressed. Likewise, make sure you actually have written a book before querying an agent. They aren't interested in unwritten ideas.

5) Don't flatter yourself. Your book is not the next Harry Potter, nor will Oprah be dying to read it. And if it is true, let the agent find out for herself. Grandiose declarations about how amazing your book is will only hurt your chances with a good agent.

6) Don't be a stalker. Finding out where they live and what they eat for breakfast is scary—and it will probably earn you a restraining order.

7) Don't call. No, they don't want to talk to you. If you can't translate your idea into words on paper in a query, what are you doing writing at all? Also, arguing with them over your work will not make them like you. So, no matter how much you want to pick up the phone, don't do it!

8) Don't be demanding. I was going to write don't list your demands, but honestly, there are so many things in the publishing process that you will have no control over, so don't get it into your head that you will. Book cover? Publisher chooses that. Title? Ditto. Book size? Same. So don't tell the agent how you'd like your book to look because a) he has no control over that, and b) it makes it look like the control freak you are.

I could really go on, but suffice it to say, succeeding as a writer depends on how you present yourself. So be nice. Be courteous. Be professional. It will win you more points than you realize, and it just might land you an agent.